Blog : V/vm Starts Working For Warp

V/Vm starts working for Warp

I just received this from the evergreen, yet tireless, V/Vm. I'm so glad that all of his years giving music away for free is finally going to pay off.

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Re: UK product assistant at Warp

Hello Sir Whippy-Warpy-Warpers,

i would like to offer my services to you in a  working capacity as i love to work hard and think i could turn help turn things  around at Warp.

Your main man Stevie Buscuit will know me from back  in the days when Warp used to release cutting edge audio and i am sure will  welcome my input as your all new and shiny UK Product assistant as unlike most  of the cocaine snorters you employ i actually know a little bit about  the progression of the U.K. electronic music scene. As i am currently winding my  own operation down for a little while i figure this job opportunity is the one  for me and i can start on January the 3rd, 2007 and it's best to strike while  the iron is still hot and what better way for me to finish up at V/Vm than by  starting a new role at Warp in the new year.

As we already have an excellent working  relationship, through your stocking of V/Vm releases at Warp Mart and excellent  distirbution of my MP3's at Bleep i figure there is real positive springboard  there for further advancement and a joining of forces to become the biggest and  best there is.

I have a number of ideas to help you to back to the  top and to help ensure that we hear more Boards of Canada music when there are  gay scenes on T.V. (like on the recent hollyoaks show) and to keep making all  Warp music the soundrack to every U.K. T.V. documentary about something a bit  wrong.

Firstly i am assuming the position is based in the  lovely city of Sheffield ? I notice when i type Warp in google it states you are  a Sheffield Techno label and i think this is a wonderful thing. I am sure there  have been many temptations to move your operation to London, but remaining in  the North is testimony to the vision and dedication to remain independent from  the London scene which i hear isn't all that good.

I have already actively started looking for a  bedsit in Sheffield and can't wait for those fun staff nights we will have at  the Owlerton Stadium on dogs night, or taking in some of the nightlife down  there on the mean streets down in the red light district by the Grapes. It's  going to be a lot of fun working with you all and we are sure gonna have a lot  of laughs on our social nights out.

I won't bother sending a CV in because i am sure i  already got the job as i will show below using your own requirements and adding  in my own experience below. I heard that usually at Warp it kind of helps if you  know someone. Stevie i know thinks of me like a brother, his own brother  N>E>D infact so i am sure you can't wait to start working with me. I also  remember fondly his only U.K. hit "dirty cash" and play it every single day of  the year. Anyway here's some examples of why i got the job already and start on  January 3rd.

      - working with promo teams, agents and distributors
Over the last ten years i have worked with the  biggest and best names out there including you and some of your artists already  so this box is ticked based on my back catalogue work alone. There is nothing,  nothing i like more than working with Promo Teams and agents. These are my  people, they represent everything i am and i love the fact most of them know  where to get good crack cocaine. Snorting in the toilets with them on a night  out or before a power meeting is one of my biggest strengths and essential in  the modern music industry.

- controlling budgets

Yeah, yeah as Abba once sang "money, money, money  always sunny in the rich mans world". I started V/Vm on 300 pound notes and  still have 300 pound notes so i can control a budget and make shit happen on a  shoestring which where maximum profits (you are all about them) are concerned  makes me the total winner in the last ten years on the music scene. I would love  to get access to your accounts and work out a series of promotion campaigns. I  can send you my detailed campaign for the next Autechre album and it doesn't  even break the thirty six pound barrier. I am good at keeping costs to a minimum  and getting maximum impact.

- overseeing advertising

In all the years of V/Vm i have never placed an  advert but would now given your backing propose an advertising campaign based on  your use of Warp music on T.V. shows. For example there is a big market for  sexually confused teenagers and the recent use of Boards of Canada music to  promote this confused feeling on Hollyoaks could be exploited on a nationwide  billboard campaign. Overseeing sounds great though, i would love to oversee  something. Does this mean i have a team of coke heads who will go to Designers  Republic and get some of the latest in cutting edge adverts which then have to  be placed in the coolest magazines ? Wow that sounds unreal. Count me in. I am  your advertising king. Not only that i also think there's a place for a WARP  style "been injured in an accident" advert campaign where those who have been  injured and are seeking compensation are offered free Jimmy Edgar discs and  given a half price discount on Jackson and Clarke albums based on them showing  proof of their claim and/or injury.

- Organising & hiring equipment, travel planning

Oh I love a good trip so am happy to plan some  travel for your artists. I believe there are some excellent one way deals to  some places, so if there's someone you don't like i would be happy to book them  a non return ticket to the middle of nowhere. I also have an excellent hiring  record when it comes to equipment and know a team of people who could probably  rob what you need thus cutting down on long term hiring costs and keeping  profits up and up and up and up. Recently i planned a great day out and it went  really well so thanks for asking the question.

- Sales and market analysis

I love sales, i am totally motivated to make sure  everything i ever do sells real well and can be seen in every shop. Go into  London now with Stevie Biscuit and i promise you will see V/Vm releases  everywhere in prominent positions in all of the high street stores. Even in  Harrods these days there is actually a V/Vm section close to the Mohammed Al  fayed's english sasauge stand. Market analysis is also something i love,  predicting trends before they happen so i can cash in by getting an artist to  copy the latest style is my kind of heaven. I loved the way you identified for  instance that the world needed a more edgey Jamiroquai and hey presto there he  was, Jamie Liddell. This is why you guys are the best and keep making a lot of  money. You are my heroes and i just can't wait to be working with you all, we  are gonna have so much fun in the Steel City spending real pound notes on bad  drugs.

- Distribution of Promotional materials.

This will be a pleasure. I propose to just drop all  of your new releases in random places and give them to the coolest people out  there to create a BUZZ. I think really you could be doing more to make the  elderly aware of products. This is an area Warp have failed to target, the grey  generation who love a little bit of melody and entertainment. I propose a  distribution deal with SAGA and also Help The Aged to begin with and possibly a  deal with the United Kingdom pensions people so maybe a couple of times a year  when it's pension day a free Warp sampler is given to everyone collecting their  money. I think some designers republic Warp slippers to go with their winter  fuel payments would be a nice touch. As you can see i am full of exciting and  advanced ideas for your marketing campaigns and can be the spark to start the  fire down there in your Sheffield Office.

To wrap this up as i know you've probably been  inundated with applications from friends and relations but i am that certain the  job shall be mine that I have already booked a one way ticket to Sheffield  station and will be there at 11pm on the 3rd of January to start work. One  request i do have is that it might be a good idea to have my desk out of eyeshot  of Stevie B's desk to begin with as the temptation to shit in his desk drawer or  shit on one of those lucrative television contracts maybe too much to ignore,  but that feeling i promise will fade, once i am brainwashed into believing the  cult of Warp/EMI.

I am sure you can convert me and pray we will be  together soon in Sheffield, surrounded by the hills and not too far away from  the moors.

Many thanks for your time and i look forward to  starting work with you soon. As for a salery i am prepared to start work on the  simple sum of £6.66 per hour which will rise when the feeling that i want to  empty my bowels in Steve Beckett's drawer has subsided.

All the very best of luck with your sales upto  Christmas (i love the recent retrospective push and lookback at 2006 - it's nice  that you look back and there's an option right there to buy once again  everything you have released this year) Looking towards the next calender year i  wish you all the very best at Warp for now and forever and ever and ever and  ever.

Your new employee starting 3rd of January (will  Steve meet me at the station??)
James Kirby
X
www.brainwashed.com/vvm

Added by company fuck on 15 December 2006